Imagine you're with a group of friends—perhaps a  group that has met together long enough to be quite comfortable with each other. The laughter is hearty, the talk amicable. In the midst of the chatter you hear someone from across the room say, "I guess sex just isn't what it used to be." You hear some chuckles of agreement, someone else offers a concurring comment, and then this conversational thread gets lost in the general chatter. Moments such as these, and my work as a marriage counsellor, prompted me to read more, do research, and eventually present talks on the topic of marital sexuality.

We live in a sexualized culture where, ironically, sex is also something set apart and private. We have permission to talk about different parenting styles. We laugh knowingly and talk freely about how-to-squeeze-the-toothpaste hassles. When it comes to sex, though, we have a different standard.

Our culture, especially through the media, operates with a mythologized benchmark for sex. We are led to believe that good sex comes naturally, that it’s always wonderful and never problematic. So when our own sexual lives fall far short of perfection, we are confused, and we carry that burden in silence and shame--even while sexual jokes and innuendos abound. We blame our difficulties on our partner or ourselves.

Many--probably most--couples enjoy a "good-enough" sexual relationship most of the time. Sometimes our sexual relationships even soar--as they should. It might comes as a surprise that even the bible celebrates sexual love. Check it out. Go to the Song of Solomon and read how erotic love has God's very own stamp of approval.

And yet over the course of the marriage life span, every couple is bound to experience sexual disappointments too. Sometimes such disappointments are temporary detours, but some can become enduring roadblocks. These sexual difficulties come in many forms:

Given all the above, it’s almost a miracle that many people are content with their sexual life, isn't it? So how do we manage when sexuality is troubled? Here are some strategies to try:

1. Create marital safe space. Begin by consciously planning to resolve sexual issues in marriage--even before they arise. Create a safe space to discuss hard issues. Create a space where "Love is patient, kind, rejoices in truth, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres." These words describe an attitude that allows for gentle, caring, and selfless exploration of sexual--and every other kind of--roadblocks.
2. Become informed. Buy the Roseneau book or the Hart books listed in the resources box. Leave them lying around where you know your spouse will see them. Find some particularly scintillating passages and read them to your spouse. Or ask your spouse to read two or three pages that particularly speak to you. The subject matter alone is bound to entice your spouse into reading more. Now you have an open door to start talking.
3. Take a risk. Speak to a trusted, wise, mature friend. Or perhaps the two of you could speak together to a couple you both trust. If you’re rebuffed the first time, try again. I predict that you will not have to go far before you find someone as eager to open up this subject as you are. Be careful, though, how you speak and what you say about your spouse. Your goal is to nurture your sexual life into joy and health, not to destroy it with barbed comments and a bitter tell-all attitude.
4. Seek counselling. Find a caring, skilled therapist who can help sort out and guide you through the issues you are facing.
5. Speak to your family doctor. Don’t suffer in silence--there may well be some fairly simple medication changes or treatments that will make a world of difference for you and your spouse. If your doctor is unapproachable about these issues, find another.
6. Have realistic expectations. Marriage is an ongoing process of navigating all kinds of challenges. Our sexual lives are not immune to the process of change. We expect our bodies to become lumpy in places, our faces to develop wrinkles, but sometimes we expect sex to always match the myth of blissful, honeymoon intimacy from the first to the 60th wedding anniversary. A helpful way to approach sexual roadblocks is to normalize them as part of “figuring out this marriage stuff,” just like having to figure out how to do vacations when one of you is an avid camper and the other loves “hoteling” it. As our familial relationships change over time, so too will our sexual lives.
7. Grieve if necessary. For some couples, the roadblocks are bigger and more challenging then a temporary detour. Perhaps there may be no alternative to a certain kind of medication that interferes with desire and performance. Perhaps after all the talking, consulting, and working it through, physical intimacy will remain compromised. Truly a loss. But after the loss of joyous sex is grieved (no easy task), the couple with a healthy marriage will still somehow manage to survive because ultimately they understand that marriage is about a lot more than sex.

A wise, older woman, aware that I was writing and speaking on this topic, sought me out to share very honestly some of the many sexual road-blocks she and her husband have encountered along their long marriage path. She is of the opinion, and I quite agree, that many couples give up on sex when they run into obstacles along the marital highway. Her plea: “Irene, let people know, let people my age know, that it is possible to have wonderful and fulfilling sex at any age. They have to work at it and talk about it often. But it’s worth it!”

For further reading...

The Sexual Man: Masculinity without guilt by Dr. Archibald D. Hart (Word, 1994). Written for “good men...married, fathers...God-fearing...honest men doing ordinary living”--men who wonder if they have an abnormally high sex drive, who have been told by their wives that they are sex-addicts, men who wonder what the difference is between healthy and problematic. Deals with questions of frequency, masturbation, pornography, and many more concerns about male sexuality. Both men and women will profit by reading this book.

Secrets of Eve: Understanding the mystery of female sexuality by Dr. Archibald Hart, Catherine Hart Weber, Debra Taylor (Word, 1998). A companion book to The Sexual Man--one should not be read without the other. Deals with questions of sexual desire, orgasm, lack of energy for sex, and other common concerns about female sexuality. Again both men and women will profit by reading this book.

A Celebration of Sex: A Christian couple's manual by Douglas E. Rosenau (Thomas Nelson, 1994). A comprehensive guide to the basics of physical intimacy. A great gift for an engaged or newly married couple. But don’t let that fool you. Long married couples will also profit from the frank discussion of topics such as sex after 40, male malfunctioning, women becoming more easily orgasmic, a biblical view of sexuality, and other common sexual concerns along the marital journey.

The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner (Word, 1981). Similar to Rosenau’s book but older. Also a fine comprehensive guide to the basics and beyond.

Sex for Christians by Lewis Smedes (Eerdmans, 1994). A Christian classic that addresses moral questions about adultery. Fidelity, rejoicing in sexuality, and more.

The New Sex Over 40 by Dr. Saul H. Rosenthal (J.P. Tarcher, 1999). Covers topics such as sex and the over 40 male, sexual changes in women over 40, effects of medications on sexuality, overcoming erroneous expectations about male sexuality. Not written by an explicitly Christian author, yet full of good, matter-of-fact information.

Now...

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